10 mar 2005
about that 'divorce'... (be warned. long entry.) i actually typed out an entry about it... but then i put it under private. the whole scene was chaotic and i dun wish to relive it in words. it wasn't a third party. it was just two people with similar interest but different... i dunnoe. just two different people. with support from family and friends i managed to pull thru. he told me that people who begin their marriage with a rocky start may end up happy in the long run... i told him that this few years are the time we get to know each other better. (being away for 2 years and all...) but then it just seem to fall apart. patience just wore thin.
friends and family all had something to say. stay fah. leave fah. he's not worth it. fight for your love. bla bla bla. his friends told me to be patient as this may be part of the trials of pregnancy. that was what his aunt told me too. but there is such a thing as limit. a friend whom i am not so close to told me this: if i were u, i will be strong till the time when i don't need to hear anyone's opinions anymore. that very night, in my prayers, again i asked for peace of mind and the strength to pull thru from Him. i didn't ask for an ease of the burden but i do acknowledge that he is merely testing His hamba... that day on, the 'numbness' that i felt grew intense. i was like a walking zombie. i avoided feelings and emotions.
i carried on with my daily housework. during my holidays, i went out with friends, carried on with life that i thought i have lost due to marriage. and when work started again in january... begin another set of routine. waking up early to prepare breakfast. coming home from work and do the laundry and cook and all. all this done without acknowledging him. i talk to him only when necessary. too much angst and disappointment.
i stayed over at my parents' occassionally. but my mind was always with him. wondering if he is okay and all. then one day i just felt, why bother when he doesn't. i concentrated on my pregnancy. told him that i have to gain more weight and so he should not stress me out anymore. kept on telling him that 'if u dun care about me, i can' be bothered. just let my last trimester be easy so that insya-Allah i will have an easy delivery.'
he usually will say how much he enjoyed being home alone just to spite me. then,
one night, he called and i was busy. so i just told him i am staying at yew tee and wanted to end the conversation. then he said. 'wait. dek. i saw tompok.' (tompok is our kitten. we let she and putih go on 20 dec... and didn't see them anymore after that) told him good for him. he brought tompok bak to our flat and he msged me how he pity the kitten and yadayadayada...
the next day, after work, i went to my flat in amk to do some housework. left the flat at about 8. his curfew then was at 9. so i had to do a fastgame job so that i dun bump into him.
when i was at my void deck, about to head to cck... i saw a resident feeding the cats. tompok, one of them. talked to the uncle. i messaged him, telling him not to worry about tompok's feeds as 'cat uncle' feed her. and putih was nowhere to be seen. that sparked his curiosity as to how i know, cos i have been at yew tee for quite some time. and at night when he called me: adek balik amk, abis tu adek pegi yew tee?
me: yeah. just did the laundry atu jalan lar.
after that day, started the messages on how he was confused and didn't know what he want. i told him to think for himself. by that time... i couldn't be bothered if he wants to leave. yes. he could leave for all i care. it would hurt. of course. but hey, hearts will heal. people come. people go. if it's meant to be. it's meant to be. we were separated before... came a day when he messaged his 'state of confusion' again and i told him: make ur mind up by tonight.
that was when he called his mom at night to say that he will leave after my delivery and stay with her again. he called his friend to ask about divorce procedures. i was next to him for all his phone conversations, smiling and massaging his feet. why the ignorance? cos i told him somewhere in december after our fight: time kau dulu dah nak pisah, aku kata okay. asalkan kau tetap tanggung anak kau. aku tak boleh pisahkan anak dgn bapak. and i wil alwys support u in everything that you do.
his response was a 'thanks'. arafah always give in...
after he has ended all his phone calls that night... i cried and just said 'sampai hati'. and he told me that i asked for it, since i wanted an answer by that night.
can u blame me? i haf got enough emotional turmoil from him. one day it's 'i will stay cos i love u'. the next day, 'i will stay cos of my so'n. and another day, 'i will stay to give u face'. sheesh.
somehow or another he just became 'nicer'.
we didn't celebrate our anniversary nor did we do our 2001 anniversary. those days mattered to me tho i didn't let it show. his mother, my mother-in-law made a radio dedication on Warna on our wedding anniversary. sheesh.
i dun remember when or how or why. but he just became a whole lot nicer and said he wun leave me. he realised that he'd be on the losing end and he had been very bad to me. each time such topics came up, i just ignored and change to another neutral point of conversation.
we fought less. simply becos. as i said. i couldn't and wouldn't care. i still entertain his frens when they come over. but they are sure 'shy' of me. i carried on with praying to be given strength to endure all that he put me through.
as the day when he was to be a free man approaches (it was sooner than expected), tears just flowed while i was having dinner. he was in the room. so he didn't catch my emo moment. after i did the dishes and quickly washed and dried my eyes, he came to me and saw my bloodshot eyes. 'asal adek sedih2 nie? la...' and as he hugged me i said: i am happy and thankful that your tag will finally end. nanti kita makin jauh eh bang?
he hugged me even tighter and said 'abang takkan tinggalkan adek lar. abang sayang adek tau'. somehow or another... i was skeptical.
it just so happen that, in the morning when i experienced labour pains, both of us were at home. so i did 'keep my promise' to let him be in the labour ward. initially i wanted to go thru it alone. i didn't want him in anyway involved in ikhsan's entry to the world. but at the same time i wanted him there. so Allah did his thing again, and yes he was around with me and saw and heard me scream. he was there to witness the miracle of seeing a baby being born into the world. his baby. and that night, when he was back home and i was still in my hospital ward, he called me and said that he loved me. (tho i heard it many times before.) and recently, he said thanks for giving him another chance to think things thru.
and all i said was... things happen for a reason.
right now, i still dunnnoe what the reason was. maybe it was to display his true colours to my dad, bro and his aunt and uncle who are in the dark about his character. maybe it was for me to realize that he never was the one. maybe it was an opportunity for me to let out pent up anger about his treatment and his family's treatment of me when he was not around. whatver the reason may be... i have yet found true happiness in this marriage. and my house is yet to be called a home. but alhamdulilah that i have a healthy son, and that is all that i have out of this marriage should it fail along the way again...
but meantime, i wun ask for happiness from Him. cos i know. in His own time and His own way, he'll show me happiness in ways i would never expect. i just ask for strength to simply carry on.
i still love muhammad zulkiflie. i just dun think i am still in love with him. let my heart heal. let me enjoy my newborn. let me enjoy friendships which i thought disappeared the moment i became a wife. let me regain my identity as nur arafah. i thank zul for every little thing that he does and did for me. just taking it one day at a time. kinda zombie-ish this arafah dun u think. void of feelings and emotions. :)
and now. i miss my son. i am at amk doing housework. and i miss my son. will put up pics when i start using the digicam.
cepatlar zul balek!!! aku nak dukung2 anak aku!!!
***
sometimes,
you have to know,
that enough,
is really,
enough.
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the boy and i had a late lunch at lot1,
we talked and we talked. 
i asked about her move there and all that she left behind.
i love her strength.
you shouldn't have.
cheerful
zul and i are heading for splitsville...
accomplished
giggly
bitchy